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I, Sparrow

Once upon a time, it was crowded here on this fence

We have a lot in common, you and I. The Bombay summer is upon us and time seems to slow down during these months. The list of things that annoy us seems to grow tenfold, and our mutual nemesis - the crow, is louder and even more boisterous than usual in this season. The sun features high on our list, for just as your olive skin reddens and burns under his searing breath, my chestnut wings suffer greatly - smouldering under his yoke, making every flight an enormous effort. My miniature beak is awfully dry, but I have just enough energy to speak to you.

I am a sparrow, and because you human beings are less rational beasts than I, you're scolding yourselves, "Sparrows don't talk," you're saying. "Stop being ridiculous!" Nevertheless, I'm confident you will read on, because I know, that Allah has made you human beings, just like us sparrows, highly curious creatures. Truth is, sparrows do talk, but only to those who know how to listen.

With your permission, I'd like to recount the things I've seen in Bombay this summer. Do let me? Why thank you, it does pleases me to see you smile. A sparrow seldom smiles in the summer; it takes up too much of our dwindling energy. We do, however, take immeasurable delight in seeing your dazzling white teeth, so do humour me as I chirp along.

As day breaks, I fly out over the Arabian Sea, hoping to soak my wings in the cool morning breeze. Sometimes I perch myself upon the metal rods atop ferries and catamarans, as they carry hoards of revellers and tourists towards the ancient Elephanta Caves and the Mandwa Jetty, near the coastal town of Alibaug. I cannot fly behind these boats like the mighty seagulls do; my wings aren't strong enough for that. Neither can I dive sharply to fetch the bread crumbs thrown at them by tourists; I am merely a passenger, like the tourists who shriek gleefully with every catch. I used to wonder at these revellers with their humongous sunglasses and colourful clothes, until I followed them one day to see what they did once they disembarked our boat. I saw wretched males intoxicating themselves heedlessly and females, dressed like the common prostitutes of the night, accompanying them in sinful ignominy and I thanked Allah for making me a tiny sparrow and not one of them.

Once the sun has reached its peak, all of Bombay rushes for shelter. People gather under bus stops, under flyovers, under trees and under the large cinema hoardings, securing temporary respite from their tormentor. Even the cricketers reluctantly pull out their stumps from the Earth and settle down to loudly scrutinize the day's play under canvas tents at the city's maidaans, their white uniforms now a muddy shade of brown. I enjoy these noisy conversations because while each expert is busy putting forward his analysis with great confidence without bothering to hear out anybody else, they all fail to notice my presence, rubbing my weary wings against a slab of ice kept on a table in one corner.  Absolute bliss.

Although I may seem lonesome and quiet, I have made a fair few friends during my summers spent in Bombay. An albino fisherman who sells mangoes instead of fish during these humid days allows me to rest in his basket, which he carries over his silvery head. He covers every backstreet of Colaba calling out to his faithful female patrons who in turn, flock to their doors and windows, their haggling helmets firmly fastened. A sugarcane-juice vendor who refreshes thousands of worshippers each day outside the Jama Masjid calls me his 'little friend' and laughs at me as I poke my beak at the piles of bagasse which he collects in large blue bins. I am proud to be an acquaintance of Mountbatten, a monstrous racehorse and champion of the McDowell's Indian Derby. Although he pretends not to, he secretly enjoys it when I race with him from above, soaring across the Mahalaxmi Racecourse feeling like an eagle. I busy myself in these friends thus, and unlike the families I observe from windows, I take no holidays, host no relatives and barely ever lose my temper.

Those amongst you whom Allah has blessed with a sharp and intuitive mind must surely be wondering why a sparrow like myself has no friends of the same species: sparrows. Well, the other sparrows have hidden themselves from your basely human eyes but I bravely decided to........uff, what is the use in lying? Most of my kind are dead; some killed because they inhaled the poisonous clouds that your cars and buses leave behind, others could not resist the call of Satan's Hair, what I believe you human beings have christened railway lines? The few that survived have either left Bombay for the safer sands of Mauritius, or have disappeared into some obscure neighbourhood that I have neither the will nor the energy in my wings to find.  It's no matter, I never asked you to pity me, why have you hidden your teeth again? Such shimmering white teeth you have, like the moonlight. After a few more sunsets, my seventh monsoon will be upon me and as a wise old Bombay sparrow once said: when your seventh monsoon nears, one must expect Allah to send His Angel of Death to your abode, for we sparrows have never lived beyond seven monsoons.

Please, I pray you wipe those tears from your eyes, sweet listener. Smile at once. The monsoon is my favourite time of the year - those elusive insects who sleep under the ground all summer shall crawl above it once again, and I shall feast on them for one last time. The Arab tourists will descend upon Bombay at long last, bringing with them the scent of that heavenly attar perfume that I so adore. Oh what a fine ending that would be, nestled comfortably on a branch with a whiff of attar as I praise Him for one final time. What? Oh yes, you're right. I know I said we don't smile in the Bombay summer but there you go - I guess I had the energy to smile after all.

In Potential Gaffe, President Weiner Admits Physical Exercise

Analysts Fear Premature End to Election Feasts

The New York Times. Monday, 1st April, 2075.

Too Fit For President?

WASHINGTON D.C - While most Americans struggled to lift themselves off their couches, President Bennedict Weiner  shocked the world this morning by admitting he takes walks around the White House's lawns in his free time.  The announcement was made after Mr. Weiner hosted heads of leading fast-food chains to discuss the need for further expansion, over a Presidential breakfast.

"It's obviously something I'm not very proud of," he said, wiping a piece of bacon off his face. "We Americans have proved over the past 50 years that our lifestyle, like most other American things, trumps those of all the other nations. It would be naive of me to try and change that, but I can't erase the events of the past few days."

His untimely confession lead to feverish discussions on mid-morning talk shows whether the President's actions have given Republican candidate Dick McHealey an unexpected edge in November's election. Some fear the President may be sending subliminal messages to the country that he plans to take us all back to the Thin Ages while others feel Mr. Weiner's actions resulted from acute stress-related psychobehaviorosis and he should be given another chance, provided he undergoes intense counselling, of course.

In an exclusive interview with The New York Times, Toby Friemuncher, star of the box office sensation The Burger Games, feels the President has been treated unfairly. "Americans need to look at the bigger picture", he laments. "Before Weiner took over the national obesity rate was a mere 63% and was even less than the unemployment rate! In just about three years, he has brought it up to an unprecedented 86% for which nobody seems to be giving him any credit. We cannot let one unfortunate act undermine core American values, people."

This is not the first time Mr. Weiner's basic American-ness has been questioned. Rumors emerged in February claiming the President kept a treadmill in the Oval Office but they were subsequently squelched following an episode of MTV Cribs. 

Killing It, US Army Style

"If we withdraw from Afghanistan, there will be senseless violence but if we stay, we can cause it.” - Andy Borowitz, American comedian and New York Times bestselling author. 

Over the years, the United States Army has served as a source of immense pride for the average American citizen. Solemn pledges are made in support of their troops battling bravely in different parts of the world, upholding democracy in countries like Afghanistan and Iraq. American schoolchildren aged as young as six and seven are made to write letters in class addressed to their courageous troops overseas, sending their innocent wishes to these seeming heroes.

On Saturday night, one of these courageous American soldiers, having had too many bottles of Guinness at one of the Army’s routine nights of revelry, stormed out of his base and killed sixteen innocent Afghan civilians at a village close to Kandahar. The dead included nine children. Reports have surfaced revealing that the soldier was laughing hysterically while committing these murders and even wrapped some of the corpses in blankets before setting them on fire!

What a lunatic, you’re thinking. But this is just one case of a soldier gone mad, he’ll face the punishment he deserves. I’m sure this sort of thing has never happened before.  

Think again.

In 2010, a group of US soldiers killed three Afghan civilians in a different part of Kandahar.  They are believed to be part of an ever-increasing faction within the US Army who murder civilians ‘for sport’ before dropping weapons near their bodies to make it appear as if they’re insurgents who present a threat and need to be eliminated. The strangest part about this incident from 2010 was that the soldiers posed for photographs with the corpses of their victims and even collected body parts and skulls as trophies!

 In January this year, a leaked video showed four US marines urinating on three bloodied corpses in the Helmand province of Afghanistan. One of the marines, evidently aware that he was being filmed, says “Have a great day, buddy,” referring to one of the dead. Back in Washington, a spokesman from the Marines reassured the world that the matter was “being investigated.” Gee, thanks for that.

Conflicting reports emerged from the Bagram airbase, near Kabul, as copies of the Qur’an and other religious literature were burned by American soldiers in February.  One group of investigators found the incineration to be intentional as the soldiers were lead to believe the books contained ‘inflammatory content’, while another group claimed it was an unfortunate error on the part of the American soldiers who routinely incinerate all belongings of deceased prisoners at the base. The sensitive nature of this incident lead to widespread anti-American sentiments across the Islamic lands, and understandably so. Violent demonstrations in different parts of Afghanistan lead to even more senseless killings, on both sides.

Every year, numerous incidents of killings within the US Army emerge – usually a group of soldiers killing a single ‘rat’ who threatens to report rampant drug usage or sexual abuse within a particular battalion. The authorities usually dismiss these soldiers as being ‘mentally unstable’ begging the question – why were they recruited into the Army in the first place?

The underlying truth behind all of this is that these cases fortuitously reached the hands of the willing media allowing the world to take in its sordid realities. Imagine how many cases of militaristic atrocities escaped our attention over the years? Are the victims of sadistic actions by misguided militia counted as mere ‘casualties of war’ – a rather frail and misused term itself, I’m sure you’ll agree?  An insight into why these atrocities continue to take place will lead us into a feverish debate over the United States’ foreign policy. The ongoing misadventure of those brazen folks over in Washington, however, is a story for another day. General Douglas MacArthur, Ex-Chief of Staff in the US Army once said, “In War, there is no substitute for victory.” In today’s scenario, though, even the most ardent hardliners will admit that the possibility of victory never existed ever since the US decided to invade every country with a whiff of black gold. The aim of damage limitation seems the most plausible course of action until American troops finally leave foreign lands, their tails firmly between their legs. You and I both share the hope, I’m sure, that this process of damage limitation is carried out in the most humane manner possible. 

It's Fantasy Football Time!

Who says footballers can't fly?

WARNING: Reading the following text without adequate knowledge of the beautiful game called football may result in severe mystification and a delusional belief that human beings are mercilessly bought and sold via the Internet. The author cannot be held liable for any actions of wrath or despair that may occur.

In an attempt to replicate the jobs of those suit-clad individuals who make multi-million pound purchases to eke out a living, premierleague.com, the official website of the Barclays Premier League created Fantasy Premier League, your ultimate fantasy football game. With an initial budget of £100 million, you have to pick a squad of 15 players and manage them on a weekly basis – earning points for their triumphs and losing points for their blunders.

Whether you already have a team or are looking to create one, read these guidelines carefully. Who am I to guide you? Well, I’ve played the game for the past seven seasons and have consistently made the national leader board. I know what I’m talking about. So if I were you, I’d take this advice:

1. Let’s start from the back – your goalkeeper. Traditionally, a goalie from one of your Top-4 clubs would guarantee you a bunch of clean sheets on a regular basis. Times have changed, though, and even the top clubs are finding it hard to enjoy consistent clean sheets. Do not spend too much money on a pricey goalie. Instead, pick someone who’s cheap and will make tons of saves.

Fuse Tips: Tim Krul (Newcastle, £5.0m) or Tim Howard (Everton, £5.4m)

2. Moving on to your defence – arguably the most difficult area to score points. Out of your five picks, make sure at least four of them are nailed down First XI regulars for their clubs. As far as possible, pick defenders who are likely to contribute in an attacking sense as well with strong headers from corners and assists from wide positions.

Fuse Tips: Micah Richards (Manchester City, £6.3m), Benoit Assou-Ekotto(Tottenham, £5.9m), Ryan Taylor (Newcastle, £5.5m), Martin Skirtel (Liverpool, £6.2m)

3. The midfield is an area where you can capitalise on creative players who will bag a whole lot of assists along with a decent goal tally. You may find it difficult to choose from the galaxy of stars plying their trade in the Premiership. Keep tabs on players who are enjoying a run of form and use your transfers to regularly update your midfield. Clubs like Manchester City and United adopt a rotational policy so you must have a contingency plan in case your player has been left out for a couple of matches.

Fuse Tips: Clint Dempsey (Fulham, £8.8m), Gareth Bale (Tottenham, £9.6m),Antonio Valencia (Manchester United, £8.3m), Matthew Jarvis (Wolves, £5.7m)

4. Your attack should consist of two absolutely fantastic strikers who their cubs cannot do without. These two strikers must guarantee you 20+ goals come the end of the season. Your third striker should be a regular starter for a lesser club, someone who is sure to score a few goals in patches and will serve as a backup to your main strikers. Always be wary of the form-factor as well as which strikers are out-of-favour with their club managers.

Fuse Tips: Robin Van Persie (Arsenal, £13.3m), Demba Ba (Newcastle, £7.6m),Bobby Zamora (QPR, £6.8m)

Appointing your team’s captain is another crucial decision as your captain’s points will be doubled every week. Robin Van Persie, Wayne Rooney and Gareth Bale are popular captains, with good reason too. Make sure you use your free transfer each week to freshen up your squad. In case things are going horribly for you, there’s a transfer wild card which can be used only once during the game, allowing you to make unlimited changes to your team.

Now that you’re all set, log on to www.fantasy.premierleague.com and join the Fuse Readers’ League (Code: 1430564-575546) where you can keep track of fellow readers’ teams and scores. Good luck to you, gaffer!

Let It Be?

It’s a typically crowded evening in the bustling streets of Mumbai. Our dear friend Cyrus is comfortably seated at the back of his BMW, his iPod plugged in as he grooves to some Beatles classics, on his way to Wadia Uncle’s 50^th birthday party. A shrill siren interrupts Let It Be and his earphones fall off as he jerks his head around to glare at his oppressor. He curses. It’s an ambulance.

A few cars around them slow down, hesitantly. His driver, Rajesh, slows down too, but only in order to swiftly open his door and spit out his accumulated paan.

“Rajesh, jara fast chalao boss, bahoot late ho raha hai,” Cyrus manages to say in his first-class dialect of Hindi.

“Yeh bloody ambulance sahib, I tell you koy patient-vatient hai bhi nahi, nonsense kahi ke!” Rajesh replies in his first-class dialect of English.

Cyrus tries to encourage him to speed up but his squeaky voice is drowned out by a symphony of car horns as Rajesh Schumacher cuts across the on-passing emergency vehicle with a vroom of the BMW’s powerful engine, causing the ambulance to brake violently. Rajesh laughs and curses triumphantly into his rear-view mirror.

*****

It’s said to be the most difficult part of a doctor’s job and it was the part Dr. Vipul Gawande dreaded most.

“I’m so sorry,” he ventured, helplessly, as a wife could only stare horrifically while two children let their tears flow.

“Perhaps if the ambulance reached a few minutes earlier, but it was just too late...Mumbai traffic, you see....there was nothing we could do. I am truly sorry for your loss.”

God, I am horrible at this, he thought angrily. A husband, a father, is dead. And why? Probably because somebody was too late for a goddamned party to make way for an ambulance!

*****

As per the Rules of the Road Regulations 1989, if a driver is in the path of an approaching Fire Service Vehicle or an Ambulance that is displaying a flashing blue or red light or sounding an alarm, the driver must move out of the path of the vehicle as soon as he can do so safely.

Red-Faced Red Nev Misses Manchester Weather?

Over the past twelve months, we have seen a number of international footballers enchant Indian audiences – Messi & Co. gave Kolkata’s football-crazed crowds quite a treat as Argentina took on Venezuela, Venky’s very own Barclays Premier League club Blackburn Rovers played in front of a packed stadium in Pune and German giants Bayern Munich enriched Baichung Bhutia’s testimonial in New Delhi. Many believe that this trend is part of a greater scheme to uplift India from the depths of footballing obscurity and transform it into a force to be reckoned with.

In keeping with this theme, the country’s most beloved foreign club Manchester United is in the process of establishing its world-renowned Soccer Schools program here in Mumbai. After club CEO David Gill announced a tie-up with the Western India Football Association (WIFA) back in November, ex-United captain Gary Neville arrived in the city to inaugurate the training program.

On a sundrenched morning at the Cooperage, hundreds of people gathered to welcome the man whom the Old Trafford faithful affectionately call Red Nev, and the man himself looked pleased as punch to be in India – signing autographs and posing for pictures until the scorching heat got the better of him. He then relaxed in the air-conditioned comfort of a new clothing and accessories store soon to be opened at the venue.  About half an hour later, he emerged in proper United training apparel, boots and all, and participated in a light training session with local schoolchildren, the beneficiaries of this whole endeavour.  Neville accompanied MUSS head coach Chris O’Brien in demonstrating ‘the United way’ of training youngsters with an array of dribbling, passing and footwork exercises while the crowd cheered his every movement. “Who do you think taught Giggsy his tricks?” Neville joked, as he pleased everyone with some elaborate twists and turns.

As the shenanigans concluded on the Cooperage turf, it was back to the grind for poor old Gary Neville with an impatient throng of fans waiting for their jerseys and footballs to be autographed and their pictures to be taken with a man they were only used to seeing week-in-week-out on ESPN.  “This is the best day of my life!” said one teary-eyed United enthusiast, proudly showing us his signed scarf. “I woke up at 6am, spent an hour and a half in the local train and waited in the sun for another couple of hours; it’s all worth it now!”

The sweat poured down Gary Neville’s face which had turned rather reddish-pink, as British skin does tend to, when faced with sunny conditions. We didn’t bother offering him a towel, though, ecstatic as we were with our autographed issue of Fuse safely in our hands, we took our leave, feeling rather pleased that India’s footballing future lies in excellent hands. 

2011: When We Took Our Lives And Placed Them On The Internet

As we stepped into the second decade of the 21^st century, many analysts predicted a change: a change in the way we'll lead our daily lives, a change in the way we'll spend our money, a change in our leadership and a change in our natural environment. Change was imminent. Now, as 2012 dawns upon us, we can safely pat those gloating analysts on their backs (or send them a Tweet, if that’s how the system works these days) and say, “Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen; Change we most certainly did.”

As I debated with myself what the most significant event of the year was, I logged on to my Facebook account to find a pop-up revealing their latest idea – the timeline. The introductory video that followed portrayed the life of one Andy Sparks, your average thirty-something American, right from his birth to his high school graduation, from his wedding day to the birth of his first child, neatly accompanied by his likes, places he’s visited, status updates and shared links. In short, they want your entire life, from your cradle to your coffin, to be documented online for your ‘friends’ to see.  The implications of this advent are yet unknown, but you can just imagine them, can’t you?

No one can doubt the major part social media played in the Arab Spring, arguably the most historic bit of this year’s timeline. A movement sparked by the self-immolation of a struggling shopkeeper in a corrupt Tunisia - that caused the spirit of protest against one’s government to rapidly spread across the Middle-East and North Africa. Egyptians rallied their protests from the vast legions of the internet to a massive revolt at Tahrir Square in order to terminate the 30-year-regime of President Hosni Mubarak, Libyan rebels fought tooth and nail against supporters of their tyrannous leader Moammar Gadhafi while similar uprisings took place in Syria, Bahrain and other parts of the region. People who shared a common interest in democracy built social networks to organize political action and spread their ideas – with a multitude of activity on Facebook, millions of opinionated Tweets and gigabytes of YouTube videos causing a viral fervour of uprising on the World Wide Web.

The same means were used for questionable ends in the United Kingdom, as viewers around the world were shocked by scenes of night-time rioting, looting and arson by hooded youth on the streets, causing politicians to furiously debate the feasibility of suspending the social media sites on which the disgruntled youth had coherently plotted their uprising. An inquiry into their motives brought to light the widening gap between the rich and the poor, an outcome of misguided capitalism. Capitalism took another crunching blow, this time across the Atlantic as protesters gathered for the Occupy Wall Street Movement against policies that favoured the concentration of wealth in the hands of a few amidst an ever-increasing debt situation. Economic woes were characteristic of 2011 as the eurozone crisis continues to drag on with no foreseeable solution to look forward to.

The year saw its fair share of natural disasters with earthquakes, tsunamis, floods and hurricanes hitting different parts of the world at various points in time. Japan suffered the most, as a 9.0-magnitude earthquake off its coast triggered the worst tsunami in years, destroying everything in its path and leading to widespread displacement and loss of life. To add to their woes, radiation leaked into the air and contaminated water spilt into the sea due to a meltdown of three reactors at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear facility, with scientists fearing grave consequences. The social media community could only upload innumerable ‘Save a Life with Just a Click’ campaigns leading to furious clicking the world over.

High-profile deaths were also a prominent feature in 2011 and internet communities paid elaborate tributes to some while heaved vocal sighs of relief at the demise of others. Somewhat opportunely, the first news of Osama bin Laden’s death was not via Barack Obama’s victorious announcement at the White House, but a Tweet from one of Bin Laden’s Pakistani neighbours, complaining irritably on Twitter about the presence of a US helicopter in his backyard. The joyous scenes outside the White House and across the United States were interpreted by many as a vile display of foolishness, sinking lower than the so-called terrorists themselves. The killing of Anwar al-Awlaki, an outspoken American citizen of Yemeni origin, by a US missile was disturbing, in the least. YouTube videos of the scholar allegedly propagating anti-American sentiments were sufficient cause for the US government to dispose off one of its own citizens without any substantial evidence or a fair trial? It highlighted the prevalent double standards within the US democracy. Another American, former Apple CEO Steve Jobs, received unending tributes online for the way he changed the digital world.

October brought with it the news of Moummar Gadhafi’s death by NATO forces resulting in a shift of power in Libya.  Two months later, American politicians struggled to hide their glee at the death of their long-standing foe, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il, a man whose face hangs from portraits in the living rooms of millions of Korean households.  The announcement of his death, and the subsequent appointment of his inexperienced son Kim Jong Un as the “Supreme Leader” has lead to a mass influx of opinions by concerned bloggers, Tweeps and pseudo-analysts alike. Perhaps 2012 will bring with it some clarity in the sphere of politics, God only knows.

The News of the World phone-hacking scandal left many with a bitter taste in their mouth in 2011. A murky uncertainty about everything followed: people questioned who was viewing their personal information, people questioned their governments and their far-too-evident lack of honesty and people eventually questioned themselves, as to why the world has been caught in this tangle between truth, reality, violence and the role of the internet in all of this. Perhaps that is the hallmark of 2011, more than any particular event – the sheer scale of the impact that one event somewhere on the planet can have on everybody else, because its a smooth touch, some rapid typing or even an innocent click on the word ‘Like’ that can change everything.  ∎

On Time and Money, and which comes first.

Carpe Diem - Seize the Day

Over the past six months or so, I have come to understand the unquestionable truth behind the phrase ‘time is money.’  Before, I used to dismiss it as the usual teacher-blabber, narrated to entice disinterested students into paying some attention to academia. But now, after a bit of serious bed-time reflection, I have seen the proverbial light - time is money, and anyone who disagrees with me is either the proud owner of a time machine or a legit dollar-bill printing press. Period.

The usual way to frame this next fact would be ‘I am studying in the second year of junior college along with playing sports, sleeping, eating and doing regular eighteen-year-old-guy stuff.’ The way I’m going to frame it is ‘I am sleeping. In between naps, I attend classes, eat, play sports and do regular eighteen-year-old-guy stuff.’ Do you want to know why I framed it the way I did? I bet you do. I’m sorry but you’re going to have to keep reading in order to find out.

In Inception, Leonardo Di Caprio is asked, “Do you want to take a leap of faith, or become an old man, filled with regrets, waiting to die alone?” But the question I ask is – does life always offer us the opportunity to take that proverbial leap of faith? Or are we just passengers, in the economy class of a crowded flight between Birth and Death?

The answer is quite simple, really. It all depends on whether you take control of Time or let Time take control of you. Much too often, we hear people cry – time flies! Oh, how time flies! It is said by everyone – from two socialite women at a party, kissing the air near one another’s cheeks while secretly checking to see how many wrinkles they can spot on their friend’s face, to a long-lost cousin perhaps, disappointed to see that the person he once knew no longer exists, or even a doting mother, pleased that her child no longer requires to be fed, cleaned and so on. But time doesn’t fly. Oh no, it doesn’t. Time moves at its regular pace, tick tick tick. The problem with most of us is – we have no clue how to use this passing time.

The money bit of it, unfortunately, is not quite that straightforward. Time is Money would suggest that if we misuse our time, we will suffer some naturally occurring monetary loss. Does this mean that we should create neat time tables right down to every bathroom break and live like a machine? Certainly not. And I don’t even need to illustrate examples from the lives of Steve Jobs, Bill Gates and other monetary legends to disprove any wisdom in doing so. The wisest thing to do is to wake up each morning and declare, “Today will count. Today, I will do something worthwhile that I would like to remember for years to come.” Yes, every day. So that maybe once in a while it might actually happen. This is precisely why I mentioned slumber as my primary occupation. In an attempt at creating order and routine in my life, I have been unable to seize each day individually resulting in most days being frighteningly similar to their neighbours. The solution: Latin poetry’s most famous son Carpe Diem and don’t you just know it!  

How do we correlate these two giants of our lives – Time and Money? The more time you have on your hands the more chances you have of earning good money, right? So when time exists, money is what one tries to obtain. Yet, once the money starts flowing in, time automatically becomes a matter of great concern. So the existence of once creates a desire for the other. This paradox has caused even the greatest thinkers of the human race to tug at their whiskers for hours on end and it will continue to do so. In the meanwhile, regular folk like you and I need to create a balance between the desire for the latter and the optimal use of the former. Let neither the clock nor the coin dictate your life. Let these words inspire you to grab every tomorrow by the scruff of its neck, make tomorrow your abiding slave, let it dance to your every tune and so on and so forth with the metaphors. Time really is money and neither comes before the other. Forgive me now, for I must go back to sleep. 

Learn to Play the United Way in Mumbai!

Have you ever seen professional footballers training on smooth green turfs and wondered, “Why am I stuck dodging cricket balls and anthills at Oval Maidan?” Have you ever complained that your coach doesn’t understand you? That he should learn from someone like Manchester United’s coach Sir Alex Ferguson? Have you ever dreamed of playing for a big Premier League club like, say, United or Chelsea? If your answer to any of these questions is yes, then you really have hit the jackpot, my friend.

Here’s the deal - Manchester United has tied-up with the Western India Football Association (WIFA) to bring its world renowned Soccer Schools program to India, the Cooperage ground in Mumbai to be more specific. Starting January 2012, Manchester United Soccer Schools (MUSS) offers a series of year-round skill development courses catering to a variety of age groups ranging from as young as 8-9 year-olds right up till 16-17 year-olds. The program wants you to actually feel like a professional footballer (a lot better than your ‘Be a Pro’ mode in FIFA12, I assure you) and at the same time, helps you to develop your game. They also promise you a lot of individual player-coach interaction, personality-building sessions and the opportunity to win a trip to England to play in the World Skills Final held at United’s Old Trafford stadium in front of 76,000 fans before an actual Premier League match kicks off!

The FUSE India Team was delighted to be present at the inauguration ceremony on a pleasant November evening, held at a Cooperage gleaming in the glory of its newly-laid artificial synthetic turf. The event was centred around the presence of one man – Manchester United CEO, Mr. David Gill. In case you don’t already know, he’s the guy who offers contracts to stars like Wayne Rooney and Chicharito. He’s the guy who all the players, coaches and management ultimately report to, he’s Sir Alex Ferguson’s boss. Now you know he’s got to be really important at Old Trafford.

Mr. Gill was welcomed by WIFA President and Member of Parliament, Mr. Praful Patel. The duo shared a light moment as Mr. Patel talked about how he had learnt to play football just across the road from the Cooperage at the Campion School in his youth. Eloquent speeches were made, followed by a candid question-and-answer session. The evening concluded with a demonstration by MUSS coaches, offering the unique opportunity of top-quality-training to a bunch of uncontrollably excited schoolchildren. Nothing beats the horrible feeling that the aged-eighteen-plus-folk, myself included, felt when we realised that we aren’t eligible for this glorious opportunity, as our feet itched to get some football boots on and have a kick-about. Young FUSE readers, listen and listen carefully - if you fancy yourself as a footballer, or even if you don’t and just like to sport, get involved.

Who knows? Maybe the next David Beckham is waiting to be discovered right here in Mumbai!  Log on to www.manutdsoccerschools.in to enrol.

Mumbai Shining!

A sparkling display by the Mumbai Indians this season.

While I was growing up in Mumbai, the term ‘die-hard cricket fan’ was associated with a middle-aged gentleman who was willing to bear the brunt of his boss, his wife and the hot afternoon sun in order to spend five tireless days at the iconic Wankhade or Brabourne stadia, perhaps watching a Ranji Trophy snoozer between Mumbai and Baroda. These days, the term applies to your neighbourhood children, housewives, aunties and uncles who adorn the shiny Mumbai Indians outfit and enjoy a noisy evening watching the latest Great Indian Tamasha – Twenty20 Cricket.

And why wouldn’t they? The Mumbai Indians have it all – star-appeal with the likes of Sachin, Pollard and Malinga, the deep pockets of the Ambani family, B-Town patronage in the VIP Boxes and now even a trophy to show for it all in the form of the Champions League Twenty20!

 And what an achievement it was! They came into the tournament as underdogs, with their squad blighted by injuries to key performers like Rohit Sharma and Munaf Patel. As the tournament progressed, they seemed to grow in confidence and displayed incredible strength of character to win some nail-biting encounters. What surprised me most was the great depth in their squad – with young fringe-players like Abu Nechim Ahmed and Yuzvendra Chahal stepping up to the plate at crucial moments. “They were all inspired by Sachin Tendulkar’s words in the dressing room, if not on the pitch,” said one keen analyst adoringly. “The Little Master’s massive presence in the dugout was enough to galvanize the Mumbai Indians during the final!” After further thought, he added, “Don’t take anything away from Harbhajan Singh, though. He proved to be a highly accomplished leader in the Master’s absence.”

Cricket fans will barely have a week to digest Mumbai’s triumph as all eyes will turn to the national side’s rendezvous with England, as India look to avenge their dismal performance from the summer tour. The cricket season never ends. 

“I am like Anna Hazare Jee, don’t bribe me!”

August brought with it fasting-season in the Indian subcontinent – Jains observed Paryusana, Muslims fasted from sunrise till sundown each day during Ramadan and Anna Hazare fasted as a protest against the United Progressive Alliance (UPA) government. His demands? The implementation of a revolutionary Jan Lokpal Bill aimed at tackling the rampant corruption within the Indian polity.

Some criticized Anna Hazare’s method of a fast-unto-death for being ‘much too extreme’ and ‘unconstitutional’ while others rallied behind the Gandhian activist, some even joining him in his fast! Days of anti-government rallies and pro-Anna marches followed, culminating into a nationwide frenzy wherein daily newspapers and television channels seemed to cover nothing else!

Finally, on the 27^th of August, both Houses of parliament, through thunderous thumping of desks, agreed to pass a resolution giving in to Hazare’s three major demands -   a Citizens’ Charter, appointment of Lokayuktas in all states with Lokpal powers and the inclusion of lowest to highest bureaucracy in the Lokpal Bill. Yet, in the words of Hazare himself, “We have won only half the battle.” The question is - why?

There is no doubt that the ‘India Against Corruption’ movement united citizens from all walks of life against something that was earlier considered an undefeatable foe - corruption. There is also no doubt that Anna Hazare’s protests secured the passage of a bill that had otherwise been neglected for over four decades. Yet, as a gloveless sweeper clears tonnes of rubbish, discarded slogan-banners, packets of chips and banana-peels from Azad Maidan where a rally had been held, the question on everybody’s lips is – What happens next?

Perhaps we’ll get a better answer to these questions once the dust settles on Hazare’s victory and this whole anti-corruption euphoria dies down. The sceptics are out in large numbers, those low-on-life individuals who think that we Indians will never change – “Corruption is part of life in modern-day India,” they say. “I’m telling you bhai sahib, let all this Annagiri end in a few weeks and people will forget this movement even existed!” I wholeheartedly disagree with their pessimistic approach. Granted, even I don’t expect corruption to be wiped out completely; it would be naive of us to believe that. Yet, a visible change in the attitude of Indians towards corruption is the first major step we need to take. The signs look good in these early days. A friend of mine was halted by a traffic cop for using his cell phone while driving. My friend shamelessly removed a five-hundred-rupee note to avoid legal punishment and the headache that comes along with it. Our hero of a cop, though, turned down the note with a look of disgust and then proudly stated – “I am like Anna Hazare jee, don’t bribe me!”  

CMUN 2011: A Vision Comes Alive

“The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision.” – Helen Keller

The fifteenth annual session of the Cathedral Model United Nations (CMUN) attracted over 500 delegates from across India and abroad. Held at the spectacular Trident Hotel on the 14^th, 15^th and 16^th of August this year, CMUN is deservingly regarded as one of the most anticipated Model UN conferences in the world. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept – a MUN is when students assume the roles of world leaders to debate, deliberate and ultimately resolve world issues, while following the actual UN procedure. This year, there were eight committees at CMUN, including a Historic General Assembly discussing the Iran-Iraq wars, a Historic Security Council discussing the Bosnian crisis of the 90s and even a unique Al-Qaeda Core Group simulating a meeting between the world’s most wanted militants. Throughout the three-day conference, a specialised Press Corps analysed and criticised everything that took place at CMUN, highlighting the critical role played by the media in international affairs.

Can you believe that the first CMUN, in 1996, was held in a single classroom at the Cathedral & John Connon School and consisted of just one committee of only 30 delegates? Incredible, it really is, how this vision of a few young students, culminated into such a large-scale event.

Perhaps the most exciting feature of CMUN this year was the Night Emergency Session, which took place on the night of our Independence Day from 1am until 6am.  As they lay asleep in their comfortable hotel room beds, delegates were required to wake-up, suit-up and show up in committee in the middle of the night! Over Trident coffee and pizza, they were faced with a sudden dramatic chain of events and had to overcome the barriers of sleep and time to come up with a feasible solution.

Over three days, CMUN provided participants with the opportunity to enhance their debating-skills, enjoy excellent food and hospitality as well as a chance to interact with other young people.  When asked to summarize CMUN 2011, Director-General Angad Kapur said, “We took the conference to some brave new heights this year – record participation, unique committees and even a night emergency! For the first time ever, we had a delegation from across the border in the form of the Aitchinson College, Lahore. Not only did they win our Best Delegation award, but they also won our hearts over!” Clearly, this shows that with the right vision, young people can build bridges which even our aged politicians have repeatedly failed to build.  

It’s Not About the Money, Money, Money! Or is it?

Besides truckloads of cold hard cash, what do a Russian oligarch, an Arab sheikh, an Indian fried-chicken tycoon and an American NFL franchiser have in common? No, not just their women – all these wealthy gentlemen are proud owners of their very own Barclays Premier League football clubs.

Such a situation would have been unimaginable a couple of decades ago, but foreign ownership, multi-million-dollar player transfers, massive television rights and sponsorship deals have changed the beautiful game forever.  The game just isn’t that beautiful anymore, some purists argue, bitterly. Others, like myself, take a more progressive view on things. Football, just like any other walk of life, needs to change with time. The commercialisation of the game has been a welcome boost to everyone – players, coaches, owners and even us fans!

Think about it, which one of us doesn’t love to read about that huge £35 million signing by Manchester City or Real Madrid? Which little boy wouldn’t want to adorn a pair of Nike Mercurials like the one’s he sees his hero Cristiano Ronaldo wear in all the ads? Who wouldn’t want to watch live coverage of the European Cup Final on television? It’s the money that runs the sport today, it doesn’t ruin it.

Transfers are another major talking-point. Some argue that it’s the basest form of human slavery. Rubbish, in my opinion. The average Premier League footballer earns over £20,000-a-week. If that’s what you call slavery then sign me up! This much-criticised system of unscrupulous buying and selling of players works wonders for a sport. If it didn’t, then why would India – the perennial imitators of the West – come up with the IPL, based on the exact same model?

Call me old-fashioned, but I also take interest in what happens on the pitch and not just in the Board Rooms. For my breed, there are still 90-minutes of heart-throbbing action on the telly every weekend and I am eternally grateful to ESPN - Star-Sports for that luxury. The 2011/2012 season looks set to be another richly entertaining thrill-a-minute ride. Now it’s up to the players to listen to their massive American sponsor Nike‘s Portuguese slogan – Joga Bonito. Play Beautiful. I warned you - it’s all about the money. 

Where Did We Get Lost Along The Way?

BBM broadcast - "We R burning d Sony factory @ 11pm, u lads in?"

We live in strange times, people.

We live in a world where Barack Obama, who promised to be the messiah that Americans were so eagerly anticipating, turned out to be just another sweet-talking illusion.

We live in a world where an entire government was turned on its head by the power of a mass revolution: Egypt – Cairo – Tahrir Square, to be precise.

In this mental world of ours, IMF chiefs turn out be rapists, IPL masterminds turn out to be criminal masterminds, everyday - countless politicians are proven to be serial liars – why can’t people just be who they claim to be, for once?

Everybody seems to be talking about corruption right now, in my country. Corruption here, corruption there, corruption bloody everywhere! ‘Corruption is a disease that we must cure’ they say. Cancer is a disease, but just by talking about cancer it isn’t going to go away now, is it?

Civil violence is another issue I would like to touch upon. Israel, Iraq, Libya, Yemen, Algeria and even England– I daresay? It certainly seemed that way a few days ago. These uprisings may have been spread through Facebook and Twitter, but their effects were far from harmless. Rioting, looting, arson – there really ought to be better ways of showing your frustration towards your government? Britons are known for their tea, right? Drink some of that famed tea and calm down! Punch a pillow, if you’re really that angry! Ridiculous scenes, we witnessed on our TV screens. 

The world is getting smaller by the day. People in the Middle-East eat more Burger King than Americans these days and chicken tikka massala is the new fish ‘n chips in the UK. 

As we march along, unsteadily, towards the Last Day, this world of ours is just going to get even crazier. Wishful thinkers and space scientists can argue all they like, but we have no other place to go! These wars that are being fought over petrol will soon be fought over H2O! One thing we all agree upon is that it's all going to end one day. But have you ever stopped and asked yourself - where did we get lost along the way?

An essay I wrote on the topic "An ordinary person's guide to being cool."

Comic courtesy one of my favourite websites - www. xkcd.com

Do you remember that day in the 1^st grade when the coolest kid in class was the one who had a massive 64-colour Crayola crayon set? Honestly, I would give anything to go back to that day. How times have changed.

First of all, I would like to make some things clear. I am an ordinary person only based on the fact that I have two hands, two feet, two eyes, two ears, a nose and the rest of the ordinary human-being-like physical characteristics, thank you very much. The rest of me, I’d like to think, is extremely extraordinary, unique and different, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is my guide to being cool.

Coolness is now an official quantitative measure. I remember my first day at the Cathedral and John Conon Infant School at Malabar Hill as if it were yesterday. The coolest kids were that smug little boy with the three-storey pencil-box, the other one with that Spiderman lunch-box and the pony-tailed girl with the best handwriting. As we moved on to Middle School, coolness began to take different shapes and forms. The boys who knew the names of all the top football players were so cool and the girls who wore make-up and carried Chanel bags to school were the stars. Things changed again in High School, when girls and boys started dating around the eighth or ninth grade. Now everyone looked at the coolest couples and all sense of individuality was thrown out the window. For my part, it didn’t bother me what other people thought was cool. I always behaved according to what I considered appropriate. When people started collecting Pokémon cards in the 3^rd grade, I was busy collecting shells from all my trips to beaches. When people threw away their Gameboys and switched over to PlayStations, my favourite game was still Mario Cart on the Gameboy. Its small things like that; it’s not that I wanted to act differently; it’s just that I didn’t get affected by the dreaded peer pressure.

So, my guide to being cool, huh? Here goes….

Stay fit. Okay, I’ll admit - I’m a bit of a fitness freak. I work out at the gym around four times a week along with playing football and other sports in between.  When I see someone who is grossly overweight, I feel sorry for them because I know of all the possible health risks they face. But I also feel a tinge of anger as I wonder why they don’t do something to make a change in their lifestyle?

Believe in God.  You’re probably going, “Religion. Seriously? You think that’s cool?”

Well, it is. Think about it - if we don’t bother acknowledging our Creator and thanking Him for all the blessings He has showered upon us, then what exactly is the point of living?

Also, DO NOT get influenced by your peers. Trust me, ever since I’ve left school and joined college, I’ve seen so many of my friends change drastically. They’ve started drinking excessively, smoking uncontrollably and even trying out drugs! I’m not saying don’t have fun and be a saint. But there are some lines which one cannot cross and drugs are definitely on the other side of that line. 

And finally, love the people who care for you. Your family and your friends, and never do anything that will hurt them. There you go, so put on those shades and rev up that white Lamborghini (just kidding, that’s just for me) – congratulations, you’re Mr. Cool now!

NOTE: The challenge was to write a light-hearted, yet meaningful essay on the topic within 600 words. Let me know if I was able to do so. Leave a comment! 

Christian Extremism: How Scared Should We Be?

Anders Behring Breivik is a 32-year-old Norwegian and he is a terrorist. No, he does not have a long black beard, nor does he dress in a white robe or wear a skullcap. Yet, he is responsible for the death of over 70 innocent civilians, many of them teenagers at a Youth Camp! Shocking, right? Wrong. Breivik is part of an ever-increasing faction of right-wing church-going extremists whose core objective is to disrupt multicultural world peace and to curb the spread of internationalism. All in the name of God.

“Wait,” you might be thinking. “What’s the difference between these lunatics and Al-Qaeda?”

Good question. See, the difference is - you don’t hear about these guys on the news because they’re embedded deep within the European political framework. Strange, isn’t it that these terrorists could blend in perfectly while seated around a table in the bright sunshine at a cafe in Paris or Prague, sipping iced tea while plotting a violent terror attack? Not your stereotypical meeting over kahwe in some remote cave in Afghanistan, is it? Yet its consequences could be just as devastating.  Their ideology was brought to the mainstream media for the first time in the aftermath of the July 22 attacks in Oslo.

For those of you who don’t already know the details - a powerful explosion rocked downtown Oslo in an area home to several government buildings including the office of the Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg. The car bombs killed 8 people and left several others critically injured. Barely 2 hours after the bombing, a separate shooting incident occurred on Utoya Island where Anders Breivik, dressed as a police officer, killed scores of 15 and 16 year-olds who were participating in a camp organised by the governing Labour Party. Left with no other option, many youngsters jumped into the freezing water or hid under heavy rocks in an attempt to survive the rampaging maniac. Some heart-wrenching accounts of teenage survivors can be viewed on YouTube, and help us to truly understand how terrifying this incident was - the deadliest attack by a single gunman in recorded history.

But why? Why would a level-headed EU citizen do something like this?

Breivik explains himself in a self-written 1,516-page manifesto which he uploaded online just 90 minutes before the car bomb in downtown Oslo. In it, he describes himself as “a real European hero” and “the saviour of Christianity” and goes on to explain his anti-immigration, anti-Islamic and patriarchal beliefs. What’s most disconcerting is the fact that Breivik says his ideology is shared by many others in and around the continent and they will continue to target governments in an attempt to “preserve a Christian Europe.”

What we need to understand from this is - terrorism, in all its forms, is the evil. No matter how many Breiviks of this world we come across, we cannot start branding all Christians as terrorists, can we now? The same applies to all other faiths. As time progresses, so will the interdependence of nations. When a bomb drops in Beirut, a baby cries in Baghdad and a glass shatters in Berlin. But who started the fire? 

Revenge is Sweet, With Extra Sugar!

Mumbai, India. A seventeen-year-old boy stands alone with both hands in his trouser pockets watching the countless trains passing through the platform at Grant Road Station. Suddenly, he pulls out a pistol from his pocket and starts firing at random. Nobody is killed, but five men and one child are seriously injured. Miraculously, the boy manages to escape!

_____

Grant Road Police Station. A police constable wipes the sweat off his forehead with an old rag of a handkerchief. It is a sultry May afternoon and the electricity at the station is down due to some repair work.

“What motive could he possibly have?” a senior inspector demands of the overweight constable.

“God knows. Must have been mentally disturbed or must have failed his SSC exams,” the constable replies unwittingly. “Should we question the juice vendors at the station one more time?”

“Get out! You’re rubbish! Bloody useless! Don’t bother me now I have to talk to Chief sahib about a new AC for this godforsaken office!”

____

Colaba Causeway. A Portuguese tourist is handing over a five-hundred-rupee note to a shopkeeper having just purchased a set of Buddha statues for four-hundred rupees. It is a typical summer afternoon and sweat pours down his tanned skin and causes his thick braided hair to stick to his skin. As he reaches out to collect his change of a hundred rupees, a bullet hits his right arm and he falls to the floor with a shriek of pain. The boy strikes again. This time, he had a target in mind.

_____

I hate to be rude, but I would kill you too if you disrespected my parents. My father worked at Grant Road station as a ticket-collector and he was mugged by a group of unruly travelers. Not only did they steal his wallet and cell phone but they also physically assaulted him leaving him visually impaired. My mother was killed in Goa by a drunken Portuguese tourist who stabbed her after he was ‘dissatisfied’ by the massage she gave him at the five-star-deluxe hotel where she worked. I know those travelers who I shot at weren’t the same ones who attacked Papa nor was that Portuguese tourist with long braided hair the same one who assaulted Mamma but to be honest, I don’t care. These people ruined my family forever! My father cannot work anymore and my little sister lives in a permanent state of shock and fear and is unable to leave our miniature apartment. What did we do to deserve this? Nothing. Thank God for Chote Vijay who managed to steal his uncle’s pistol for my Cause. I’m glad I did what I did. Nothing and nobody can help me get over this pain, this suffering. I am going to jump into the Arabian Sea now with no regrets. Maybe the fish will devour me? Maybe they'll find me too bitter from pain, who knows? Life, to me, is now meaningless! I lost everything. But revenge really is, so sweet. Goodbye friends.

_____

Although the air-conditioner has been successfully installed, the Police Station is as sultry as ever due to poor power supply. Senior Inspector Raakesh Kumar Savant angrily kills a mosquito with the folded set of newspapers he holds in his right hand before opening up the bundle and frowning at the front page. ‘Mentally Disturbed Boy Jumps Into Arabian Sea; Onlookers Shocked.’ The news article further went on to explain that the recovered body matched the description of the elusive ‘Boy Criminal’ who had caused havoc at Grant Road Station and Colaba Causeway. The journalist went on to speculate that the unidentified youth could have possibly failed the SSC exams, the results of which had been declared a week earlier. The Senior Inspector felt sick.

“tsk tsk tsk tsk......kya hoga es desh ka?” he wonders aloud. What will become of this godforsaken country?

His sour mood is dampened further by the arrival of that overweight constable, Anand Singh, whose face is notably glowing with pride beneath a layer of perspiration. 

“What did I suspect, sahib?” he says, nodding his pudgy head towards the newspaper in the Senior Inspector’s hand. “Failure tha ya paagal tha! Saala!” He was either a failure or a gone case, I knew it! That scumbag!

“Get out!” the red-faced Inspector hollered. “And tell that fool Raju to send in my tea! Extra sugar!”

_____

Isn't it strange how quickly the world jumps to conclusions? Most of us believe everything we read and hear in the print and visual media as if God Himself is sending down revelation through His angels. Have you ever stopped and questioned, "Hey, wait. Maybe there's another side to this story! Maybe the guy who they make out to be the 'bad guy' actually isn't so bad?" I'm not necessarily talking about the little story above, the kid's a lunatic for doing what he did, I'm questioning in a more general sense- There Are Two Sides To Evey Coin and the same can be said of world affairs. Just maybe, we're the ones being brainwashed by our television sets? Think about it. Leave a comment below with your opinion. 

"Room service, sir." An original short story.

His hands felt numb and his face seemed unusually pale as he rubbed aftershave against his skin. Everything around him seemed unreal, virtual almost. As if I'm a character in one of my novels, he thought. An eerie silence enveloped the bathroom. He had started to defog the mirror when he was interrupted by a sudden sound from the outside, a sharp knock at his door. "Room service, sir."

The events of the past two decades still seemed so clear...

Armand Blanc was widely regarded as one of the most influential writers in contemporary French literature. His books had been translated into twenty-three different languages. However, he had received greater acclaim for his work as a philanthropist rather than an author over the past two decades. It started with fighting AIDS in Africa, where Blanc pocketed a smooth seven million dollars in four years. Once the nouveau riche's pity for the Dark Continent had been exhausted, Blanc swiftly moved on to India, battling with God as he helped rehabilitate victims of floods, droughts and earthquakes- leading to another discreet deposit of four million dollars into an ultra-private bank account in Zurich. A year dealing with drug lords in Mexico and six months helping tsunami victims in Asia ensured Blanc's reputation as a humanitarian hero! What the world didn’t know was that only a fraction of the wealth which Blanc used his goodwill as a renowned author to amass from billionaires all over the world actually reached hungry African children and poor displaced families in Bangladesh. The Armand Blanc Foundation (ABF) was actually a criminal organisation, coy and devious behind the facade of charity. ABF bought the silence of local non-governmental aid organisations in order to carry out some of the largest financial scams in human history! Unrecorded and undetected, obviously.

As he entered his suite's bedroom, he noticed that the tuxedo he was meant to wear at the ceremony that night was neatly ironed and placed on his bed. Criminals don't deserve five-star service, he thought, angrily. They definitely don't deserve the Nobel Peace Prize! He walked out of the bedroom in disgust intending to pour for himself a glass of wine from the Ritz’s well-stocked mini-bar, in order to clear his head. Then he saw them. They were all over the living room. Red, white and blue, arranged like the French flag; more than fifty or so balloons accompanied flowers and gifts while a large poster hung from the wall saying Félicitations. Congratulations. Armand Blanc hated balloons. So much as the sight of them made him feel sick to the core. Angrily, he kicked and thrashed around the room, trying to destroy those evil objects of Satan. Dressed in nothing but a towel after his shower, he began to shiver uncontrollably. Unsure whether the shivering was due to the air-conditioning hitting his bare skin, or something else, he moved around uneasily, helplessly looking for a remote of some sort. A sudden seizure, followed by another rapid knock on his door preceded a loud thud as he fell heavily to the floor. Everything went black. “Room service, sir.”

-------

Flashback: Paris, 1973. A seven-year-old Armand is walking down la rue du bon espoir alongside his parents on their way to the cinema to watch La vie est belle. Life is Beautiful. Young Armand notices a vendor selling balloons across the street. A black man stands selling balloons of various colours. Armand is attracted by the man’s smile, which broadly displays his white teeth in stark contrast to his face.

“Papa, s’il vous plait. Je veux un ballon,” he asks sweetly.

“Oui, mon fils,” comes the inevitable reply. “Wait here while your mother and I cross the road and buy you one. The yellow ones look nice!”

Those were to be his father Vincent Blanc’s last words. A speeding Land Cruiser, a drunken tourist and a slow ambulance made sure of that. His wife died two days later from her injuries. Their young son Armand, stood on the sidewalk and watched in horror as his parents skulls were ripped apart in front of his eyes, his mouth wide open filled with the salty taste of tears which were now falling down his face relentlessly. The last thing Armand remembered of the day his parents died was the sight of the black vendor selling two yellow balloons to a small girl who was with her parents, wide smiles across all of their faces, as Armand was ushered into an ambulance by a paramedic.

-------

Flashback: Gaza, 2007. The sky is buzzing with armed Drones who have been in the air for hours, accompanied by Apache helicopters. Armand Blanc stands with his arms folded respectfully, waiting for the procession of bodies being carried toward the mass graveyard behind the two-storied UNICEF building. Child casualties- their homes shelled by the Israelis, the children having committed the crime of being Palestinians living in Gaza. Blanc crossed himself as a reporter clicked a photograph. Goodwill is a crucial asset, he though. My God, I’ve become a monster!

Tanvir, his local guide was walking towards him hesitantly. “Would Monsieur Blanc like to meet a survivor? A young boy has just lost his parents. His house was shelled but he was playing football outside and hid underneath the ground.”

He was sipping on a glass of water when Blanc entered the tiny room along with Tanvir, who was to be his translator. The boy’s food had remained untouched. They sat down on either side of the boy, who must have been around seven or eight. The same age I was, Blanc remembered. He awkwardly put his arm around the boy. Seeing that the boy didn’t resist, Blanc decided to break the silence.

“What is your name, son?”

Tanvir conveyed Blanc’s question to the boy, who remained silent. After a minute of silence the boy looked at Blanc steadily and asked in Arabic, “Who are you?”

“I have come here to help you. Things will be all right,” he lied.

The boy nodded his head furiously before he burst into words. “No, I am not going to be all right. My friends have all been taken; I saw them being carried away just now. My parents died shaheed. They are with Allah in paradise. Why couldn’t I go with them? Why should I be left here with you and this man and the Israelis?”

-------

“He’s awake. Give him some water immediately. Are you all right, sir?”

What am I doing? Looking around at the Ritz’s luxury suite, he started thinking. My whole life I’ve been a heartless idiot trying to deal with my parents’ death by taking advantage of others and earning shitloads of money. But what’s all of it worth? Why am I not like the Palestinian orphan? Do I not want to live forever in paradise?

“Merci,” he said, accepting a glass of sparkling water that was offered to him. “I’m sorry. I suffer from epilepsy. Inform them that I shall be ready for the ceremony shortly.”

The ceremony! The award! I can’t accept it! My whole life has been a lie. I should turn myself in immediately! Or maybe I shall confess in my acceptance speech? I could offer to donate every penny of my organisation to the Red Cross. They’ll save the orphans. Not eat off them like I did.

-------

“Mesdames et Messieurs, let us rise and welcome the winner of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize- Monsieur Armand Blanc!”

The stereophonic sound of the announcer was soon overshadowed by applause as he made his way onto the elaborate stage. Should I confess? The presentation and photographs gave him a few minutes to think of an answer to his own question. Yes, that orphan child was just one. There are thousands like him who need help. Real help. He noticed that Karoline Thompson, the beautiful American actress, was seated in the front row and he was struck by the idea of an after-party upstairs in his luxury suite. I can always call a press conference and confess later. It was time for his speech.

“What can I say?” he began. “This recognition means so much to me after years in this noble field of ours...”

-------

The guests had just begun warming to each other as the champagne started to take its effect. Karoline leaned over and kissed Blanc on the cheek. “Congratulations again,” she whispered. Suddenly, rapid thuds were heard on the door and the voice that accompanied them seemed far too impolite to match the message it conveyed. “Room service, sir.”

Blanc went to open the door, frowning. He intended to reprimand the hotel staff for their impudence, disturbing his private party, although they were probably here with more champagne.

Their well-cut suits and unyielding expressions were sufficient enough to give away the fact that the two men standing outside his door were not part of the Ritz’s payroll.

On e of them- the larger of the two, held on to Blanc’s coat firmly as if warning him not to move or make a noise.

“Interpol,” said the other, coolly displaying a shimmering silver badge from his pocket. “We are here to place you under arrest for over a thousand discrepancies which were brought to light by our investigations. Kindly follow me without uttering a word.”

The last thing Armand Blanc remembered of the day he was put under life imprisonment was the sight of fifty or so balloons- red, white and blue, being let out into a starry Paris night, as he was ushered into a police car by a lieutenant.