It's Fantasy Football Time!

Who says footballers can't fly?

WARNING: Reading the following text without adequate knowledge of the beautiful game called football may result in severe mystification and a delusional belief that human beings are mercilessly bought and sold via the Internet. The author cannot be held liable for any actions of wrath or despair that may occur.

In an attempt to replicate the jobs of those suit-clad individuals who make multi-million pound purchases to eke out a living, premierleague.com, the official website of the Barclays Premier League created Fantasy Premier League, your ultimate fantasy football game. With an initial budget of £100 million, you have to pick a squad of 15 players and manage them on a weekly basis – earning points for their triumphs and losing points for their blunders.

Whether you already have a team or are looking to create one, read these guidelines carefully. Who am I to guide you? Well, I’ve played the game for the past seven seasons and have consistently made the national leader board. I know what I’m talking about. So if I were you, I’d take this advice:

1. Let’s start from the back – your goalkeeper. Traditionally, a goalie from one of your Top-4 clubs would guarantee you a bunch of clean sheets on a regular basis. Times have changed, though, and even the top clubs are finding it hard to enjoy consistent clean sheets. Do not spend too much money on a pricey goalie. Instead, pick someone who’s cheap and will make tons of saves.

Fuse Tips: Tim Krul (Newcastle, £5.0m) or Tim Howard (Everton, £5.4m)

2. Moving on to your defence – arguably the most difficult area to score points. Out of your five picks, make sure at least four of them are nailed down First XI regulars for their clubs. As far as possible, pick defenders who are likely to contribute in an attacking sense as well with strong headers from corners and assists from wide positions.

Fuse Tips: Micah Richards (Manchester City, £6.3m), Benoit Assou-Ekotto(Tottenham, £5.9m), Ryan Taylor (Newcastle, £5.5m), Martin Skirtel (Liverpool, £6.2m)

3. The midfield is an area where you can capitalise on creative players who will bag a whole lot of assists along with a decent goal tally. You may find it difficult to choose from the galaxy of stars plying their trade in the Premiership. Keep tabs on players who are enjoying a run of form and use your transfers to regularly update your midfield. Clubs like Manchester City and United adopt a rotational policy so you must have a contingency plan in case your player has been left out for a couple of matches.

Fuse Tips: Clint Dempsey (Fulham, £8.8m), Gareth Bale (Tottenham, £9.6m),Antonio Valencia (Manchester United, £8.3m), Matthew Jarvis (Wolves, £5.7m)

4. Your attack should consist of two absolutely fantastic strikers who their cubs cannot do without. These two strikers must guarantee you 20+ goals come the end of the season. Your third striker should be a regular starter for a lesser club, someone who is sure to score a few goals in patches and will serve as a backup to your main strikers. Always be wary of the form-factor as well as which strikers are out-of-favour with their club managers.

Fuse Tips: Robin Van Persie (Arsenal, £13.3m), Demba Ba (Newcastle, £7.6m),Bobby Zamora (QPR, £6.8m)

Appointing your team’s captain is another crucial decision as your captain’s points will be doubled every week. Robin Van Persie, Wayne Rooney and Gareth Bale are popular captains, with good reason too. Make sure you use your free transfer each week to freshen up your squad. In case things are going horribly for you, there’s a transfer wild card which can be used only once during the game, allowing you to make unlimited changes to your team.

Now that you’re all set, log on to www.fantasy.premierleague.com and join the Fuse Readers’ League (Code: 1430564-575546) where you can keep track of fellow readers’ teams and scores. Good luck to you, gaffer!

Let It Be?

It’s a typically crowded evening in the bustling streets of Mumbai. Our dear friend Cyrus is comfortably seated at the back of his BMW, his iPod plugged in as he grooves to some Beatles classics, on his way to Wadia Uncle’s 50^th birthday party. A shrill siren interrupts Let It Be and his earphones fall off as he jerks his head around to glare at his oppressor. He curses. It’s an ambulance.

A few cars around them slow down, hesitantly. His driver, Rajesh, slows down too, but only in order to swiftly open his door and spit out his accumulated paan.

“Rajesh, jara fast chalao boss, bahoot late ho raha hai,” Cyrus manages to say in his first-class dialect of Hindi.

“Yeh bloody ambulance sahib, I tell you koy patient-vatient hai bhi nahi, nonsense kahi ke!” Rajesh replies in his first-class dialect of English.

Cyrus tries to encourage him to speed up but his squeaky voice is drowned out by a symphony of car horns as Rajesh Schumacher cuts across the on-passing emergency vehicle with a vroom of the BMW’s powerful engine, causing the ambulance to brake violently. Rajesh laughs and curses triumphantly into his rear-view mirror.

*****

It’s said to be the most difficult part of a doctor’s job and it was the part Dr. Vipul Gawande dreaded most.

“I’m so sorry,” he ventured, helplessly, as a wife could only stare horrifically while two children let their tears flow.

“Perhaps if the ambulance reached a few minutes earlier, but it was just too late...Mumbai traffic, you see....there was nothing we could do. I am truly sorry for your loss.”

God, I am horrible at this, he thought angrily. A husband, a father, is dead. And why? Probably because somebody was too late for a goddamned party to make way for an ambulance!

*****

As per the Rules of the Road Regulations 1989, if a driver is in the path of an approaching Fire Service Vehicle or an Ambulance that is displaying a flashing blue or red light or sounding an alarm, the driver must move out of the path of the vehicle as soon as he can do so safely.

Red-Faced Red Nev Misses Manchester Weather?

Over the past twelve months, we have seen a number of international footballers enchant Indian audiences – Messi & Co. gave Kolkata’s football-crazed crowds quite a treat as Argentina took on Venezuela, Venky’s very own Barclays Premier League club Blackburn Rovers played in front of a packed stadium in Pune and German giants Bayern Munich enriched Baichung Bhutia’s testimonial in New Delhi. Many believe that this trend is part of a greater scheme to uplift India from the depths of footballing obscurity and transform it into a force to be reckoned with.

In keeping with this theme, the country’s most beloved foreign club Manchester United is in the process of establishing its world-renowned Soccer Schools program here in Mumbai. After club CEO David Gill announced a tie-up with the Western India Football Association (WIFA) back in November, ex-United captain Gary Neville arrived in the city to inaugurate the training program.

On a sundrenched morning at the Cooperage, hundreds of people gathered to welcome the man whom the Old Trafford faithful affectionately call Red Nev, and the man himself looked pleased as punch to be in India – signing autographs and posing for pictures until the scorching heat got the better of him. He then relaxed in the air-conditioned comfort of a new clothing and accessories store soon to be opened at the venue.  About half an hour later, he emerged in proper United training apparel, boots and all, and participated in a light training session with local schoolchildren, the beneficiaries of this whole endeavour.  Neville accompanied MUSS head coach Chris O’Brien in demonstrating ‘the United way’ of training youngsters with an array of dribbling, passing and footwork exercises while the crowd cheered his every movement. “Who do you think taught Giggsy his tricks?” Neville joked, as he pleased everyone with some elaborate twists and turns.

As the shenanigans concluded on the Cooperage turf, it was back to the grind for poor old Gary Neville with an impatient throng of fans waiting for their jerseys and footballs to be autographed and their pictures to be taken with a man they were only used to seeing week-in-week-out on ESPN.  “This is the best day of my life!” said one teary-eyed United enthusiast, proudly showing us his signed scarf. “I woke up at 6am, spent an hour and a half in the local train and waited in the sun for another couple of hours; it’s all worth it now!”

The sweat poured down Gary Neville’s face which had turned rather reddish-pink, as British skin does tend to, when faced with sunny conditions. We didn’t bother offering him a towel, though, ecstatic as we were with our autographed issue of Fuse safely in our hands, we took our leave, feeling rather pleased that India’s footballing future lies in excellent hands. 

Learn to Play the United Way in Mumbai!

Have you ever seen professional footballers training on smooth green turfs and wondered, “Why am I stuck dodging cricket balls and anthills at Oval Maidan?” Have you ever complained that your coach doesn’t understand you? That he should learn from someone like Manchester United’s coach Sir Alex Ferguson? Have you ever dreamed of playing for a big Premier League club like, say, United or Chelsea? If your answer to any of these questions is yes, then you really have hit the jackpot, my friend.

Here’s the deal - Manchester United has tied-up with the Western India Football Association (WIFA) to bring its world renowned Soccer Schools program to India, the Cooperage ground in Mumbai to be more specific. Starting January 2012, Manchester United Soccer Schools (MUSS) offers a series of year-round skill development courses catering to a variety of age groups ranging from as young as 8-9 year-olds right up till 16-17 year-olds. The program wants you to actually feel like a professional footballer (a lot better than your ‘Be a Pro’ mode in FIFA12, I assure you) and at the same time, helps you to develop your game. They also promise you a lot of individual player-coach interaction, personality-building sessions and the opportunity to win a trip to England to play in the World Skills Final held at United’s Old Trafford stadium in front of 76,000 fans before an actual Premier League match kicks off!

The FUSE India Team was delighted to be present at the inauguration ceremony on a pleasant November evening, held at a Cooperage gleaming in the glory of its newly-laid artificial synthetic turf. The event was centred around the presence of one man – Manchester United CEO, Mr. David Gill. In case you don’t already know, he’s the guy who offers contracts to stars like Wayne Rooney and Chicharito. He’s the guy who all the players, coaches and management ultimately report to, he’s Sir Alex Ferguson’s boss. Now you know he’s got to be really important at Old Trafford.

Mr. Gill was welcomed by WIFA President and Member of Parliament, Mr. Praful Patel. The duo shared a light moment as Mr. Patel talked about how he had learnt to play football just across the road from the Cooperage at the Campion School in his youth. Eloquent speeches were made, followed by a candid question-and-answer session. The evening concluded with a demonstration by MUSS coaches, offering the unique opportunity of top-quality-training to a bunch of uncontrollably excited schoolchildren. Nothing beats the horrible feeling that the aged-eighteen-plus-folk, myself included, felt when we realised that we aren’t eligible for this glorious opportunity, as our feet itched to get some football boots on and have a kick-about. Young FUSE readers, listen and listen carefully - if you fancy yourself as a footballer, or even if you don’t and just like to sport, get involved.

Who knows? Maybe the next David Beckham is waiting to be discovered right here in Mumbai!  Log on to www.manutdsoccerschools.in to enrol.

Mumbai Shining!

A sparkling display by the Mumbai Indians this season.

While I was growing up in Mumbai, the term ‘die-hard cricket fan’ was associated with a middle-aged gentleman who was willing to bear the brunt of his boss, his wife and the hot afternoon sun in order to spend five tireless days at the iconic Wankhade or Brabourne stadia, perhaps watching a Ranji Trophy snoozer between Mumbai and Baroda. These days, the term applies to your neighbourhood children, housewives, aunties and uncles who adorn the shiny Mumbai Indians outfit and enjoy a noisy evening watching the latest Great Indian Tamasha – Twenty20 Cricket.

And why wouldn’t they? The Mumbai Indians have it all – star-appeal with the likes of Sachin, Pollard and Malinga, the deep pockets of the Ambani family, B-Town patronage in the VIP Boxes and now even a trophy to show for it all in the form of the Champions League Twenty20!

 And what an achievement it was! They came into the tournament as underdogs, with their squad blighted by injuries to key performers like Rohit Sharma and Munaf Patel. As the tournament progressed, they seemed to grow in confidence and displayed incredible strength of character to win some nail-biting encounters. What surprised me most was the great depth in their squad – with young fringe-players like Abu Nechim Ahmed and Yuzvendra Chahal stepping up to the plate at crucial moments. “They were all inspired by Sachin Tendulkar’s words in the dressing room, if not on the pitch,” said one keen analyst adoringly. “The Little Master’s massive presence in the dugout was enough to galvanize the Mumbai Indians during the final!” After further thought, he added, “Don’t take anything away from Harbhajan Singh, though. He proved to be a highly accomplished leader in the Master’s absence.”

Cricket fans will barely have a week to digest Mumbai’s triumph as all eyes will turn to the national side’s rendezvous with England, as India look to avenge their dismal performance from the summer tour. The cricket season never ends. 

“I am like Anna Hazare Jee, don’t bribe me!”

August brought with it fasting-season in the Indian subcontinent – Jains observed Paryusana, Muslims fasted from sunrise till sundown each day during Ramadan and Anna Hazare fasted as a protest against the United Progressive Alliance (UPA) government. His demands? The implementation of a revolutionary Jan Lokpal Bill aimed at tackling the rampant corruption within the Indian polity.

Some criticized Anna Hazare’s method of a fast-unto-death for being ‘much too extreme’ and ‘unconstitutional’ while others rallied behind the Gandhian activist, some even joining him in his fast! Days of anti-government rallies and pro-Anna marches followed, culminating into a nationwide frenzy wherein daily newspapers and television channels seemed to cover nothing else!

Finally, on the 27^th of August, both Houses of parliament, through thunderous thumping of desks, agreed to pass a resolution giving in to Hazare’s three major demands -   a Citizens’ Charter, appointment of Lokayuktas in all states with Lokpal powers and the inclusion of lowest to highest bureaucracy in the Lokpal Bill. Yet, in the words of Hazare himself, “We have won only half the battle.” The question is - why?

There is no doubt that the ‘India Against Corruption’ movement united citizens from all walks of life against something that was earlier considered an undefeatable foe - corruption. There is also no doubt that Anna Hazare’s protests secured the passage of a bill that had otherwise been neglected for over four decades. Yet, as a gloveless sweeper clears tonnes of rubbish, discarded slogan-banners, packets of chips and banana-peels from Azad Maidan where a rally had been held, the question on everybody’s lips is – What happens next?

Perhaps we’ll get a better answer to these questions once the dust settles on Hazare’s victory and this whole anti-corruption euphoria dies down. The sceptics are out in large numbers, those low-on-life individuals who think that we Indians will never change – “Corruption is part of life in modern-day India,” they say. “I’m telling you bhai sahib, let all this Annagiri end in a few weeks and people will forget this movement even existed!” I wholeheartedly disagree with their pessimistic approach. Granted, even I don’t expect corruption to be wiped out completely; it would be naive of us to believe that. Yet, a visible change in the attitude of Indians towards corruption is the first major step we need to take. The signs look good in these early days. A friend of mine was halted by a traffic cop for using his cell phone while driving. My friend shamelessly removed a five-hundred-rupee note to avoid legal punishment and the headache that comes along with it. Our hero of a cop, though, turned down the note with a look of disgust and then proudly stated – “I am like Anna Hazare jee, don’t bribe me!”